The middle and end of this year brought me to a place of total withdrawal from the outside world and all into me. I’ve done this many times throughout my life and if I was being deep and intense, I might say, it’s living back on the west coast. Being in the west, with my knowledge and experience of ceremony, clearing constitutional patterns and the study of shamanism. If I was speaking from the past, my experience and studies, I might say it was about letting go or my numerology chart telling me I was in completion. That has been a contribution to where I am at today and…
I want to speak here about choice and the insignificance of why.
I have spent most of my life asking why. From a little kid curiosity to my phycological and holistic approach to root cause and effect. Honestly, the why is simply irrelevant to the what.
What do I actually desire my life to look like and what will it take to make that happen.
I truly love to tell stories, and the why contributes to building great ones and, when I look at it from that angle, I appreciate it. It also shows me a perpetual cycle of spinning in the story when a simple choice for something different changes everything.
Mid-year I made a choice I had been dancing with for at least a year and a half prior. I made it the moment I was done and nothing in me desired to continue for one more minute. No backup plan, nothing to grab hold of or show me certainty beyond trust. My ability to trust me to show up, do whatever it takes and put one foot in front of the other.
Life has shown up better than I could have imagined. Truly… and more change came.
Unexpected change, like the kind that pulls the carpet out from underneath you.
With that, I surprised myself in what I created and as I sit here now writing, with a view from my sofa, I am grateful.
I’ve taken the last several months for me, pulling back from the outside world. I’ve taken this time to be with me, in my space and energy, with my body listening and letting go. Curious and asking, what is it that I truly desire my life to look like.
Many ideas came and went, much of what I had thought I wanted at the beginning of the year was nothing I desired at all. What is it that I truly enjoy, me, without anyone else, their presence, desires, validation, and judgment. What brings me the most joy, makes me happy.
While simply being, joy has shown up along with all the things that light me up. I’d like to say, as if by magic and then I remember, I made a choice and another and another along with a question or two, or maybe ten.
I could have traveled down the rabbit hole of why, problems and right or wrong. That would have gotten me somewhere… Just not here, where it doesn’t matter why, it matters what… What it is we all desire our lives to look like and what does it take to make that happen.