The Difference Is In The Listening

There is a lot of talk about back doors showing up again in the conversations I am having.  I wrote a piece about this awhile back here and it still stands true for me.  What if the back door is your awareness talking.

Our minds rationalize, compromise, try to figure it out and frankly, talk us into people, places and things.  While I do not disagree with the back door theory, I ask myself to stretch a little further.

What is the awareness I am not willing to see, that if I allowed myself to see it, would set me free from all doors I create to keep me believing I am choosing for me when I am not even including me?

I recently unhinged the front door of possibility and invited myself to explore relationships again.  To invite a man into my life while truly including me and listening to my body.  As I write this here, I am in awe of the ease in listening and choosing.

I met a man online.  We chatted longer than I usually like to before meeting.  He was charming, funny and brought in a brilliance in conversing that intrigued me.  I really liked him.  Then we met.  He was handsome, kind and truly a gentleman.

As I sat across from him looking and listening, I could see all the beauty in this communion and at the same time, something was happening in my body.  My throat began to close, my body began to contract and I really had to expand to stay.  I began rationalizing; it’s the space we are in, it’s my autistic sensibilities turned up to high, it’s…. and then we left that space. While driving to the next destination, my body spoke louder, took my breath away and what seemed like a panic attack, began within.  I gently asked if we could just reschedule for another time.  In his kindness and with clear hesitation, he said yes and we parted ways.

It was less than two minutes after driving away, everything stopped and my body went back to normal.

There was literally nothing about this man that I didn’t like and in another time in my life I would have pursued it longer, I would have traveled down the road of shifting, changing and becoming less to have him.  Not that I am saying he would ask for that, I honestly don’t know him, I am saying that everything I experienced in that short time was reminiscent of the moments when my body said enough to the relationships I was choosing.  I don’t know what my body was aware of in relation to this man, what a life together might ask of both of us, what I do know is that I have asked for something greater than I have ever known, I have asked for an energy that is not described in words and something in that moment didn’t match the energy I am asking for and my body let me know.

It’s not that my body hasn’t spoken to me before, it has.  The difference is in the listening.

mydesign

You may be wondering, what about the man.  I adore this man, it wasn’t about him. It wasn’t easy to choose to go before getting to know each other, it wasn’t easy to tell him it’s not going to work out.  It wasn’t easy as this reality says, we are wrong somehow if someone doesn’t like us, or if he’d/she’d only just give it a chance, then.  It wasn’t easy as this reality says, we are supposed to choose from the way we see someone, their attributes, the way they show up on paper, their accomplishments, and for all the things they present as common ground, their interests.  It wasn’t easy to say no without reason as there simply isn’t one.

It was however, KIND.

Be KIND,

I_m So Happy You_re Here!-2

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Difference Is In The Listening

  1. My first thought when reading about your experience, in meeting this new man in your life, was what New York Yankee, Yogi Berra, said a long time ago, “It’s like Deja Vu all over again.” My take is that you were sensing an energy about this man that was much like you have been attracted to before, in past relationships. The feelings in your body was a response from your sensory system. Fortunately, you listened this time. I’ve had a few times in my life, where my Intuition was telling me not to move forward in working with a person. All the signs were there. The red lights were flashing and the bells ringing in m head, trying to warn me. There was the presence of an energy that was not comparable with mine. My intuition told me to run for the door and not look back. The majority of times, I did not listen. My Ego stepped in and said, I could handle this person, that I had what it would take to please and satisfy this person. Boy, were those some very painful experiences. Some had lessons to learn.

    We need to trust our inner voice, or our intuition, when it is responding and sharing with us what it knows. These are times when we need to pay attention and choose to make a different choice, than we have in the past. As Einstein so clearly stated, “Insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”

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    1. Yes, Paul! you know. I have rarely listened to the slight call to no and in my life today, and as I was speaking about earlier to a friend, at this stage in life, I am just not willing to ignore myself 🙂 Thank you for the fantastic feedback and words of wisdom. So grateful!

      Like

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