There is a lot of talk about back doors showing up again in the conversations I am having. I wrote a piece about this awhile back here and it still stands true for me. What if the back door is your awareness talking.
Our minds rationalize, compromise, try to figure it out and frankly, talk us into people, places and things. While I do not disagree with the back door theory, I ask myself to stretch a little further.
What is the awareness I am not willing to see, that if I allowed myself to see it, would set me free from all doors I create to keep me believing I am choosing for me when I am not even including me?
I recently unhinged the front door of possibility and invited myself to explore relationships again. To invite a man into my life while truly including me and listening to my body. As I write this here, I am in awe of the ease in listening and choosing.
I met a man online. We chatted longer than I usually like to before meeting. He was charming, funny and brought in a brilliance in conversing that intrigued me. I really liked him. Then we met. He was handsome, kind and truly a gentleman.
As I sat across from him looking and listening, I could see all the beauty in this communion and at the same time, something was happening in my body. My throat began to close, my body began to contract and I really had to expand to stay. I began rationalizing; it’s the space we are in, it’s my autistic sensibilities turned up to high, it’s…. and then we left that space. While driving to the next destination, my body spoke louder, took my breath away and what seemed like a panic attack, began within. I gently asked if we could just reschedule for another time. In his kindness and with clear hesitation, he said yes and we parted ways.
It was less than two minutes after driving away, everything stopped and my body went back to normal.
There was literally nothing about this man that I didn’t like and in another time in my life I would have pursued it longer, I would have traveled down the road of shifting, changing and becoming less to have him. Not that I am saying he would ask for that, I honestly don’t know him, I am saying that everything I experienced in that short time was reminiscent of the moments when my body said enough to the relationships I was choosing. I don’t know what my body was aware of in relation to this man, what a life together might ask of both of us, what I do know is that I have asked for something greater than I have ever known, I have asked for an energy that is not described in words and something in that moment didn’t match the energy I am asking for and my body let me know.
It’s not that my body hasn’t spoken to me before, it has. The difference is in the listening.
You may be wondering, what about the man. I adore this man, it wasn’t about him. It wasn’t easy to choose to go before getting to know each other, it wasn’t easy to tell him it’s not going to work out. It wasn’t easy as this reality says, we are wrong somehow if someone doesn’t like us, or if he’d/she’d only just give it a chance, then. It wasn’t easy as this reality says, we are supposed to choose from the way we see someone, their attributes, the way they show up on paper, their accomplishments, and for all the things they present as common ground, their interests. It wasn’t easy to say no without reason as there simply isn’t one.
It was however, KIND.