I woke up one morning, just a day or so ago and my body asked me to go for a run. I chose it and it cried, My body cried tears that had been hiding for the last year. You see, I had been choosing a lot of what seemed nice and nice is not actually kindness.
I’ve pulled myself in and out of a lot of different scenarios and I am using the tools, yet, there was this hidden thing within me that I couldn’t fully discern between something true and something false.
A man came in to town. I could make this quite steamy as he is that type of man. A stallion if you will. The kind of man who walks with confidence without arrogance, one who, you know when you see him, that he is in charge only, it’s from a space of true kindness that it just moves through you and changes everything. A sexy man, like a sexy horse. Have you ever stood in the presence of a horse and allowed them to contribute to you?
About 20 years ago a man walked into my world and when I looked up at him, I knew in that moment, my life would never be the same. That man, that beautiful man was also the kind of man you notice. Not just because he is physically attractive, you notice his stature, his energy and a kindness that penetrates your being and allows you to lower your barriers and melt, the kind of man that has a presence that expands beyond what you know and holds tight some sense of knowing that, in that moment next to him, anything is possible.
When I was introduced to this man just a few days ago, something immediately shifted in my body and my being looked at him with a reserved shyness, that same knowing as 20 years ago, that my life was never going to be the same.
He came to teach a class, an Access Consciousness class, Conscious Horse, Conscious Rider. I have loved horses my entire life so it was an easy yes when asked if I’d like to attend. Sitting in the class, with that same reserved shyness, something that only happens to me on rare occasions, I listened and he perceived something, he asked me a question and every part of my normally confident, bold exterior melted and I could barely speak, I couldn’t really hear and I thought to myself, what is this, what is happening to me. I paused in answering, I knew what I wanted to say and I somehow couldn’t speak. I did wonder, is this an attraction that has me fumbling, that has happened a time or two. It was something else. Something I had been asking for and couldn’t yet perceive. When it came back around to me, I formed my words and spoke, what came out surprised me, I knew I was asking to unleash my truest potency and what came was a story from my childhood. I rode a horse with a girl who had long dark hair, around the age of 3. My mother told me it didn’t happen, that I dreamt it or made it up. She didn’t know that I actually rode that horse. There in class, I was asking to clear the places where I couldn’t discern truth from dreams or fantasy. To actually be the potency of me.
Horses show you who you are. The horses talked to me, contributed to me and the receiving was so much that my body wept with gratitude. There was a sexualness that ignited within me that I had somewhere, at sometime shut down and being around horses and that man, the doors opened to even more than I knew I was asking for.
I had been choosing so much in my world that didn’t include one of the components that I love, the energy of men. I had been choosing a lot of relationships presenting as nice and showing up as something else, wether on the surface, hidden or energetically incongruent. I had awareness and I fooled myself and I was missing the energy of men, the energy of me and the energy of sensuality.
I grew up with boys, most of my friends were boys, I gave birth to 4 boys and I actually enjoy the company of men, male energy and that strong stallion presence that is sure while being kind.
I had been choosing something else, a world where what presented as a love for men was actually something else and what that choosing created in me was cutting off the potency I truly be.
That man from 20 years ago called me from an hour away, and HE ASKED ME, for a contribution. His husband had a heart attack and he was reaching out. He asked me to take it over, to come and be the healer so he could rest and be the husband. That man, the one who was all of that for me, the stallion, the kindness, the healer, the friend, was asking me, trusting me.
I went, and as I sat there tuned into that body, nurturing that being, I expanded and allowed all that I had just received, all of the kindness that just penetrated my world to spread and in 10 minutes, his daughter looked at me with tears and a smile and said, wow, my headache just disappeared. Everything shifted in that hospital, in that family, and in me this last weekend.
A man walked into my world and showed me a kindness that was familiar and forgotten, a kindness that I had been asking for, that I crave and yes I was attracted to this man, and it wasn’t about that kind of attraction, it is that draw, that reminder….
A gentleman excretes a kindness that can penetrate beyond the physical and change lives with his presence.
I woke up one morning, just a day or so ago and my body asked me to go for a run. I chose it and it cried, My body cried tears that had been hiding for the last year. You see, I had been choosing a lot of what seemed nice, only nice is not actually kindness.
I chose a new housemate just a couple of weeks ago. The first one that truly felt light, the first one the kid actually approved and my world changed. It’s interesting, in the world I’ve been in, the world of nice, she doesn’t fit in and she brings a kindness to my world that is showing me every moment that there are always more questions to ask and everything isn’t always as it appears to be.
She brought kindness, kind men, a class, horses and I wonder what else is possible?
So much gratitude,