Have you ever been skipping along in life and everything seems just great and out of the blue, someone comes in and dumps on you?
It was an interesting time in my life, navigating my divorce, working to uncouple before it was a thing, trying to let go of a man I love, keep my family in tact and find my way into the unknown as a single woman.
A friend called me from out of the blue, a friend who knew the intimate details of my marriage and the breaking points, things I didn’t share freely with the outside world and she says to me, “I just have to tell you my truth. Your choice is just not sitting well with me and you are not being conscious in what you are choosing. It just doesn’t feel right to me.” I was on the other end of the line, my jaw was on the floor in disbelief and all I could think was, it doesn’t feel right to you? I didn’t say much of anything in the moment and later responded with an email closing the door to that relationship.
You see, my choices weren’t about her in any way. Not one part of it and still she had to tell me her truth in how I was wrong.
Did you know that your truth is YOURS and not always truth for others?
What did my choice bring up for her in her world? I could have asked and we could have talked about it, and that wasn’t what she presented, she didn’t ask me to talk about her and what was going on for her, she called to talk about me and how I was wrong. That conversation wasn’t an invitation, it was a conclusion disguised as a concern for my well being.
I still experience this from time to time. I’m skipping along and everything seems great till someone comes around the corner and says, what’s wrong? I immediately think, what am I doing that looks wrong, two seconds before that, I was having some thoughts in my head, creating something, just being or even planing my day.
Did you know that your uncomfortable is YOURS and not always uncomfortable for others?
What did my being quiet, contemplative or something else, bring up for her in her world? I could have asked and we could have talked about it, and that wasn’t what she presented, she didn’t ask me to talk about her and what was going on for her, she wanted to talk about me and how I was acting wrong. That conversation wasn’t an invitation, it was a conclusion disguised as a concern for my well being.
Sometimes the experience looks a little different. I’m skipping along and everything seems great till someone sends a message and says, I just have to get this off of my chest, I decided that I was doing this with you and when you didn’t invite me I spent all day upset about it and all I wanted was to help you. I immediately think, what conversation did I miss, two seconds before that, I was rejoicing in my creations with total gratitude for this person and all the other people in my life.
You see, my choices weren’t about her in any way. Not one part of it and still she had to tell me her pain came from my action.
Did you know that your expectation is YOURS and not always the choice of others?
What did my choosing for me bring up for her in her world? I could have asked and we could have talked about it, and that wasn’t what she presented, she didn’t ask me to talk about her and what was going on for her, she wanted to talk about me and how I was choosing wrong. That conversation wasn’t an invitation, it was a conclusion disguised as a clearing of the air.
Somewhere in this reality there is a thing, a thing called superiority. It’s when someone is deciding for you, if its right or wrong and it’s their job to tell you. When they are uncomfortable it must be because of you and confronting you will solve it and when you do not meet their expectation, you must correct your wrongness by taking responsibility.
I’ve done it, I sometimes still catch myself doing it.
I used to think it was my responsibility to tell others my truth so we could work it out, that confronting them was the answer and that would give them the opportunity to own their action so everything would change and our relationship would be healthy.
Nothing changed till I looked at me, I had to ask, what is this for me, after all, who am I to know for anyone, choose for anyone or subject anyone to my points of view in who they should be, or what they should choose.
This isn’t to say that there are not unkind people in the world.
It’s to say, you have a choice and if you look at the scenario, and it’s not about you. It’s not yours, If you look at the scenario and it’s about something within you, you can change that, if you look at the scenario and it’s an expectation and without communication, you can change that, if you look at the scenario and it’s a judgment, you can change that and if you look at the scenario and they are actually unkind, you can choose different.
What would it create if we were to ask a question, a question of ourselves, when things aren’t showing up the way we think they should, others aren’t being the way we think they should or choosing the way we think they should?
What are you creating in relationships?? Michelle
