Do you know the first boy you ever kissed, like really kissed, for hours? I do and I just wanted to give a little shout out to the great contribution he is in my life to this day.
A bazillion years ago I had a crush on a boy so hard that I would spend hours, I mean hours with my corded phone to my ear talking about, dreaming about life with this boy. Like he was the one and only forever and ever.
Did you believe that when you were young?
We’ll one day he moved away, we lost track of each other and that ended those days of endless kissing and phone conversations.
A few years ago I took a journey backwards through my life clearing the unsaid moments, the regrets, what if’s and making amends with every man I ever had a relationship with. It started with this one.
A lunch turned into a friendship and has led to random messages showing up and creating a great big smile on my face.
Sometimes it’s just a hello beautiful and other times it’s, what are you doing in spring? Would you like to join me for floating the Colorado river? Would you like to move with me to South America? Would you like to purchase a hostel with me, run away to Vegas for a week and so on.
I always reply with a what would it take attitude and send a great deal of gratitude as it always lights up my world.
Today, he called me and we had one of those long conversations that took me back to 13. The one where we dreamed a little together and laughed a little together and there was even a proposal, jokingly of course and cute, just like when we were kids and he would always ask me to marry him.
So here I am giving a shout out to this man across the country who still lights up my life, putting a huge smile on my face and getting me to laugh and play like a teenage girl. You still contribute to me after all these years and I wonder what adventure we will actually take together… XO
Then I jumped in the shower and my mind started racing with interesting thoughts. I thought of my second youngest son who is deep in a relationship with a girl he believes is the one, and he is 13. I thought about how much he is like me at that age and how much he has always gotten so head over heals for girls from his first crush in kindergarten, the first one that broke his heart in second grade, to this one. How serious he is about it as though he has to choose the one right now and it has to be forever.
Man, I remember that too and here I am all of these years later laughing about it. Still I remember how real it seemed back then.
I wonder, did he pick that up from me?
Then my mind took me to my second oldest son and something he said to me this last spring. He said he was always looking for the one who would really love him completely and that is what he loves about his current relationship, he gets that from her. I see something else and it reminded me of when I was pregnant with him and with his dad. Man, it seemed the meaner he was to me the harder I tried. What did I learn love was that I instituted it in my first marriage and bought it as real?
Love means something different to everyone, even if you grew up in the same home, What does love mean to you?
There I was pregnant with this child, fighting with my ex who just wasn’t kind and thinking, I just want someone who would really love me completely.
Did he pick that up from me?
I am not saying he is not happy and in love with her or that I have any point of view about their relationship. I am just curious here…
If love is defined by how we were taught love, then do I have some responsibility in how my children love, and what they consider love to be?
I don’t have that longing today, I don’t have an emotional yo-yo system that I used to run on showing up in my relationships and what shifted it.
You see, everything I have ever chosen has actually worked for me, everything… Some things were really fucking hard, really hard, and others took a long time while others clicked right away.
Everything worked because I kept choosing and I was willing.
Are you choosing and willing?
Everything worked because it allowed me to know more.
Did you know, you can not unknow what you know?
To know what you know opens all the doors to more.
That is the thing about empowerment tools, they empower you to know what you know, they are tools to create more in your life and if you use them, you create more in your life. It’s that simple and it’s that different and it’s still up to you…
What ever you are using, are you choosing?