“I’m really just sad and confused because I spent the last two years trying to hate you so pop wouldn’t be mad at me”
Have you ever asked a question in that moment, when your heart falls into your stomach and the adrenaline rushes through your body, heats it up, the sweat begins to build and you just want to sit down in defeat?
What’s right about this I am not getting? (thank you Dr. Dain Heer- Being You, Changing The World)
There in that moment, as my heart is racing, my face is flush and just as I feel like I might throw up, I see the weight fall off his shoulders and release into a million pieces as he looks up at me with big tears in his eyes and says, I tried not to believe it and after awhile, it was really hard.
Hopefully most parents never hear these words like me and I imagine many children experience something similar about one parent or another and often times both.
I set an intention before ever telling my husband I was leaving him, that we’d remain friends, stay family and co-parent our children amicably. For the majority of the time that has worked while other times required concessions on my end. I kept choosing that anyway.
Through a lot of inner work, dedication to consciousness and my experience as a mother of older children in a previous divorce of ugly nature, I am aware, something else is possible and one person can make a difference.
Due to the information I gained through the trial and errors of parenting, divorce and sharing children, I deliberately chose something different the second time..
He gets to choose too.
In order to “keep the peace” with my ex, I conceded to many things that would normally land me in the court room and my children in a tug-o-war. I conceded because it created the most ease for everyone and it literally ended any fight he instigated. It’s interesting when you don’t actually have a vested interest in winning or being right, a lot of ease gets created in your life, and it did in mine. The places it wasn’t as fun were the places I would get myself stuck in thinking it all had to be a certain way.
How did I concede exactly?
I agreed to everything even if it left me crying and forcing myself to keep going after everything I knew my life to be, had changed.
Yes, I asked for the divorce and logistically and by all means of right, wrong, good and bad, I had reason. That is not why I left him and those reasons are not important till I get in that place of needing to prove the lies are lies. I was actually still in love with my husband in many ways and a big part of me really desired it to be different, him to be different and for all that I knew about him to be erased. I also just knew the life I was in, with him, wasn’t energetically the path I truly desired even though, I had no idea what that looked like. Relationships were my focus, getting it right was my passion and sticking it out was my strongest capacity at the time and I chose something different anyway.
As I was sitting there in conversation with my son, listening to him, a little smirk came across my mouth as the awareness of the situation came to light. This moment wasn’t any different than the moment I sat with my ex while he shared his truth with me. A whole other reality was happening simultaneous to the one I believed I was living in. I kinda laughed. It could be that, I was duped once again, believing that he and I were on certain terms, had a relationship that looked one way to me through my intention and his presentation and in actuality was something quite different and completely opposite. It could also be, that this dual reality means nothing. THAT created the lightness.
What’s true for you makes you feel lighter, A lie is always heavier -Gary Douglas
I didn’t go from A to Z that quickly though, I bought that it was about me and danced around in the energy with my ex for a bit. That rebellious me came back with, oh so you want to paint this picture of me, I will show you what that really looks like. I went into that mama bear role of protecting and defending the well being of my son and for about 24 hours this had me, wrapped up, bought and sold till I looked at my son.
He is totally free, careless of the whole thing, a side of him I have only seen glimpses of since that day his dad packed him up and flew him away. All he required was the unloading of the burden, a few tears, some love from his mom without bashing his dad and he’s free.
It was never about me.
It could have been about a million things and I may be the point of direction
It was never about me, it was never real, true or valid, not in my reality anyway.
What is right about this I am not getting?
How many people’s lives were changed by this one moment?