Sure, your life is easy but my life…
Every time I hear this it makes me smile.
How often do we judge the outside of others based on the inside of ourself?
I too have had a journey, a discovery of me and all the dips and plunges of what that entails. While I remember the today version of me from when I was small, there is so much time, from then till now, of doing and undoing. When life seemed bleak and even worse, where stuck was so real for me, I didn’t even know how to breath and a few times, I didn’t want to.
It’s just the way we think when we are in our own, (insert your thing here), that we are the only one and no one would understand, especially not some wild, crazy, positive spouting woman who always has a ridiculous question for everything. She definitely doesn’t know what it is like to; suffer, feel stuck, experience stress, become financially broken, beaten, bruised, in fear, feel loss, struggle emotionally, feel confused, lost and so on…..
Or does she?
It’s fun introducing your children to the first man you were engaged to, a loooong time ago and he says, “I would listen by the door before entering, to the music she was playing, so I would know what to expect when I walked through the door. If Van Morrison, “Into The Mystic” was playing.” He doesn’t get to finish as everyone starts laughing. Even my kids know that song and the emotional rollercoaster of that version of me.
It’s fun to remember the woman who didn’t want to live and after choosing, was so lost and broken within her story, that she spent six weeks in therapy just considering the idea of restraining orders while driving by the court house. Yes, it had to be broken down to that degree of detachment, from my personal story, so I could hear it.
It’s fun to dance with the woman who hid her body under perceived weight for protection and only ate one snicker bar and one bowl of steamed rice a day for a year. Twirling with those memories of self-sabotage; the starving, the eating, the workouts, the limiting and all the ideas of heath, good and bad.
It’s fun to consider those years when beauty was everyone but me. Have I mentioned that I was 30 years old before I could look at myself in a mirror? I mean, of course I would fix my hair and apply makeup but only through a glaze. I couldn’t really look at myself and I did not know I was pretty. How could I? My mother had no ownership of her beauty and all of the things she told me that were wrong with her, overshadowed everything she told me was right about me.
It’s fun to snuggle in the sheets naked for all the years I bundled up in the safety cocoon of clothing and reminisce about all the years I wasn’t in my body, not knowing how delicious and sexy it actually is. I have photos of myself when I was 12 years old with a similar curvy, woman body that I have now. This body encouraged things before I was ready and discouraged a natural progression of love and honor, you see, this body in that world, didn’t allow for innocence, it did however, teach me the sexualizing of bodies, both unsolicited and solicited.
And it’s all fun, now, beyond the constructs of everything I believed it to be. That happened through choice, a lot of choosing. Choosing something different, taking a risk, breaking free from the norm, and the expectations, saying yes, where I would normally say no, doing whatever it takes, always.
Being really honest with myself.
You see, I would not have changed a thing, had I not been open, willing and receptive to sit with myself and get real, real with who I am, real with my part of the situation, real with how incredibly dynamic I am at creating.
Creation isn’t just about the good stuff. When we are in the muck, guess what, we are creating that too. It just doesn’t look like that. We have this fall back called victim and people support the victim. I have been that, more than I can count, and from that place, I didn’t have choice.
Do you know your core self, the place you choose from, that deep inner self that has many faces?
Did you know that exposing that is like opening a door to freedom?
How did I get where I am?
- One day, I met a man who believed in me more than I believed in myself, he pushed me beyond my comfort and called me to the surface while validating my gifts.
- One day, I met a woman who handed me a mirror and said, you are so beautiful and I believe in you.
- Many days I played with adults and their inner children, that supported me, showed up for me, and were always willing to call bullshit and dig deeper for truth with me.
- One day I stood as a leader of many, in the face of significant change and experienced; teamwork, dedication, respect and gratitude.
- One day I met a man who walked by my side and showed me who I had been and how far I had come.
- One day I met several naturopathic doctors that shared their knowledge.
- One day I met a woman who took me under her wing and taught me everything she knew and opened the door to the magic in me that I had forgotten.
- Many years I traveled with healers and I sat in ceremony of co-creation with the Earth.
- One day a man I knew helped me out and said, it’s because I believe in you.
- One day I met a woman who gave me an energy session that changed everything.
Everyday, I am humbled by all the amazing people who cross my path, inspire me, open their homes, their secrets, their arms and their love to me.
In my deepest gratitude, I wonder, what is possible from here and in the sharing, facilitating and creating?
Is this for you?
Does any word of this tingle within you or speak to your story? Have you been asking? Wondering? Desiring something more?
I am personally inviting you.