I’ve spoken about my vision, my expectation of how my future with my ex would show up, and you have heard me talk about how nothing ever shows up the way you think it will. It doesn’t and there is no form of healing, spiritual practice, getting it right and so on that will have anything show up the way you think it will. Letting that go, that is freedom baby…..
My ex wasn’t on board with my “vision” and his reaction was opposite of what I expected, not at all in alignment of where I believed our communication had taken us and I was as confused as him, for different reasons. I believed he saw what I saw, he knew what I knew. We had traveled this journey together, both with the information, how could he think I would want to keep this part of our relationship after all we had been though, after all he had shared with me?
Simple, I didn’t share all of what I was feeling and experiencing. I was vulnerable in the places that I was comfortable being vulnerable and the other places, I wasn’t even open to myself.
He was doing the work, was living in his truth no matter how hard it was to live with him, he was on his healing journey and he was being open and honest, too honest. I had asked for this, I had wanted this from him, this level of authenticity and dedication.
I had no idea what that meant till that day he took me into his therapist office. He invited me because he had something to disclose about himself and he needed to feel safe to do so. How did he not feel safe with me? How did I become the bad guy? What was he going to share that required a safe place? We had been together now for five years, had a beautiful commitment ceremony in a Medicine Wheel garden, bought a home together, had children together, were raising a family together and had cleared the hurdles, so I thought.
I had an idea that he would tell me he was having an affair, I was prepared for that, I could work with that or at least, that was my truth that day. He told me something else. I remember sitting there looking at him, intently listening, paying close attention to my body language and reaction and I was a million miles away, it was all just an echo. I sat there intently focused on what he needed to disclose and completely numb, I had figured out the rules of this therapy game and I wanted to be the understanding, loving wife. I wanted to stick this out with him because I committed to it and the truth is, a little part of me gave up that day. Gave up on this process of healing that I knew, and that was the gift of that moment.
I did all of the work I was asking him to do and I did it all the way, what ever was asked of me, I did it, sometimes with resistance and always with my whole being. I required him to do this work to as I believed that was what heathy looked like and at the time, I had no idea what I was asking. What I know now is, I had an awareness all along, I didn’t know what it was, just that there was something and I asked him because I needed this part of him to heal, change, go away, something so I could feel comfortable in the relationship.
In the numbness and in the face of healing and being healthy, my idea of it anyway, I decided to take in the information as his friend and support him, I mean, if I wasn’t supporting his process, what would that say about me in my process. I stayed and I showed up the best I could while not showing up at all.
We got through it, he worked harder than anyone in recovery I had known, I mean he devoured the steps, he became raw and open and real. I liked that man, I liked him showing up that way and I thought, hey, we are going to be okay, we are going to get through this. We renewed our vows, sold our home and everything we owned and planned a new future in a new place. We moved.
He didn’t really move, he vacationed each shift for a couple of weeks that turned into less and less and while he was providing for the family, doing his part, I didn’t see it that way. I saw him slipping into old patterns, excuses, lies and not living up to commitments and I was tired. Tired of being the only parent, taking care of the house, dealing with winter, hauling water, and trying to juggle life with him, coming home randomly on vacation and expecting our household to shift for him. This was the fundamentals that triggerd me and what came out from underneath it was ALL of the emotions of our life together from the point of view as his wife. The stuff I buried to support him.
I hated him for a time, and not the evolved, spiritual, I am zen and understanding type of hating, it was, I need you to hurt as well kind of hate. He had no idea what was going on or why and yet, he knew and that part baffled me.
Over the last several years, our relationship has transformed and truths have changed and continue to change. We have hurt each other, honored each other, hated each other, loved each other and we continue to have a beautiful unfolding transforming dance that is authentic to us, to our stories, our triggers, our understandings, our language, our desires and our truths in each moment. The consistency is in the gratitude and allowance. When he shows up, I am grateful and when he puts up barriers I create more allowance. In the hardest times, I ask him questions he never answers with words and in his actions to me weeks, even months down the road, take me back to those questions and I smile, as that created the shift that took us from zero to 100 without speaking.
Today I recognize that my relationship with my ex is continually transforming, everything in my life is transformation, not completion, you can read about that here, Transformation continues as I am aware and choose. Some days that means I am sitting in something ugly, searching my soul again for peace and in most days I am joyous in something beyond my wildest dreams and in all days, I recognize that I am in a magnificent love affair with my ex and it is nothing that I ever knew possible or thought about love, I mean we are not even a couple, we are barely co-parents.
Where are you hiding vulnerability in the face of showing up for another that continues to bury the real you that is dying to be discovered?
Where have you decided anything about anything that continually cuts off your awareness and keeps you spinning to try and get it the way you decided it should be?
What does love mean to you?
What have you defined as love that is actually defining the insanity that keeps you stuck in searching how to fix the insanity to stay in love?