I am honored when my friends reach out to me, seeking guidance and I am humbled when I recognize me in the situation before them. A friend called and in listening, I was reminded of a similar experience when I consciously forced myself to leave, to choose me instead of the pattern that had always imprisoned me. Below is the piece I wrote hours after and in the midst of a change that has been rewarding me since.
When it comes to respect, it’s not about another person, it’s about respecting yourself. The moment when you are standing in the situation, feeling totally disregarded, questioning, wondering why, how and so on, the real question is:
Why the fuck am I still standing here?
It doesn’t matter what another person is capable of, when you have respect for yourself, you just walk away and reason no longer has a hold on you.
I’ve stood defined in that reality, frozen, watching from somewhere outside myself, knowing that this was the moment I needed to leave, to walk away. Flooding emotions, my body runs hot, sadness pours in and questioning begins, owning my mind, rationalizing every second, running the old stories, the hows, whys and buts. Anger follows and stops the mind games and rants it’s own twisted versions of reality till compassion takes over and I stay, again and again. This scenario replayed in each relationship, in all the places that love calls me.
Where did I learn that love doesn’t require respect and that respect isn’t love?
What if there is a different possibility, another choice, What if I respect myself, then what?
All of the times before, in all relationships previous, I had these moments and I talked myself out of them, creating more of them to test myself and always, sacrificing self respect for reason. Somewhere implanted deep in my mind, a belief that what I was experiencing wasn’t real and that it would change, that the other person didn’t mean it and would come around. In this one moment however, it was my reality and choosing to walk away opened the door to me, in all of the moments of walking away, I received more of me.
What would it take to choose me every time reason would normally have the power?
What would it take to un-define love, myself in love and open the doors to possibilities of mutual respect where the “norm” is no longer finding reason as it transforms into reality where joy fills the heart?
What if this is called choice and the recognition of choosing is the relief when you walk away, even with tears streaming down your face, as if the choosing of you somehow erases the sucking of your heart into your stomach that disrespect creates?
What would it take to choose, the one thing that you know would change everything, in the moment it asks you and even if you don’t think you want to?