I don’t know if I shared this snippet from my life, but I wanted to now because I see so much in the desperation that reminds me of a time, many times, I too felt that deeply plagued. I can remember a good dozen times I have sat with God, the Universe and other sources of similar idea, pleading to be saved, to be set free, for an invitation home. I have sat in fear and the tortures of a darkness in the depths of my being and in great strength performing ceremony, all with a similar agenda, if this is all there is, I’m outta here! Below was a powerful and awakening experience for me. I was depressed in a marriage that I felt tortured in and I just wanted everything to end, for anything that required anything of me to stop asking: finances, marriage, kids, dogs, house, my perception – EVERYTHING. I spent three months in bed only getting out long enough to shower and return. One day, I was buried under the covers, hiding, I didn’t want anyone to need me and if I disappeared no one would miss me and I somehow believed both of those things to my core. My daughter who was three at the time came in with her sweet voice, this is a snippet of that event:
A Rose Is Not Just A Rose, It’s A Gift
“Mommy, are you ever going to get up and play with me again?” I heard her little voice call to me. In that very moment, I was at the crossroads, either I get out of bed and change my life or I end it.
I lost my strength, I had submitted to a life that imprisoned me, all of my choosing and still, I felt helpless, broken and unworthy of greatness. The circumstances were my reality but the lessons were old and generational. The combining of two backgrounds in marriage, both with old religious beliefs and generations of abuse set me up perfectly to recreate the life I needed to survive.
Choosing life meant devising a plan. In that time, with survival leading the way, children to protect and my self confidence to gain, I set out with diligent, premeditated ideas and implemented them along the way. With twisted ideas of self worth and building my courage, I sought out what I knew to build myself while manipulating my situation to grant me the safety and freedom I needed.
I surrounded myself with new people, opened myself to employment opportunities, and spent a great amount of time pretending all in name of my plan. Then at the end of the year I ran into an old friend. The first friend I met in Alaska and my closest friend for many years, as we lived parallel in circumstance and trauma, she became my inspiration. Entangled through unhealthy husbands and unnecessary drama, what once thrived on sickness became the passage to healing. She began her journey to freedom and I followed close behind. I remember an afternoon lunch after months of not talking, and as I watched her speak, I thought, “what ever she is doing, I want it too”. She glowed with confidence, she was happy. I asked and she handed me a phone number, offered to go with me for support and in that moment, I knew that all I needed was to pick up the phone and call.
I’d like to say I never wanted out of this life again, that would be a lie. What is significantly different after that experience, is having a lot of tools. That was the last time it was about depression, fear, lack and overwhelm, it’s now became about, if this is it, I am outta here and then I find inspiration to create more in my life.
Fast forward many years and a dedication to asking questions, choosing me and trusting myself, I have been able to completely change my life and understand the gifts I have creating anything I truly desire. Creating from a place of self hate was incredibly dynamic and now loving myself, well, It’s like all of my Superpowers are available. The capacities of greatness that I would hide in order to compromise, fit in, fix, adapt, and for a long time survive.
Years ago my financial world came crashing down, my perfect credit score fell well below any qualification along with my income to nothing, not kidding! The jobs were slim in the small town I lived in and the interviews ended with, I’m sorry, you are too qualified. Is that really a thing? If I am over qualified for your low paying position, isn’t that a win for you? That is another topic for another time. I had all but closed my private practice and I was no longer passionate about doing it. After six months I landed a job that would allow me to maintain my living expenses and get through the school year, after that I knew I was outta there. The boys left to spend the year in Alaska with dad and I was alone with a wide open world of unknown, really unknown. I have been a mother since before adulthood and up to that moment, after twenty four years of consistent parenting, it was new to not have a responsibility to others. What did I want? Where did I want to go? This unknown was also very uncomfortable and exciting.
I worked side jobs, one catering, one cleaning and both for friends businesses and ran Access Bars® sessions on the side. I was paying attention to everything I had studied and what I would like to do with it all along with, where I might like to do it. I called to check in on my dad and found out that he had just returned home from the hospital. He had broken his back so I headed to California and spent the next several weeks with him. Somehow this contributed to a nurturing I was in need of although, I was there t take care of him. When I returned to Colorado, I sold everything that didn’t contribute to me, my body and building a business. I loaded my car and drove to Sarasota, Florida with enough money for gas and one months rent. I didn’t have a plan but I did have an arsenal of asking questions, following the energy, choosing me and my long time dedication to DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES.
In Florida, I created several sources of income right away. I flew my kids to Florida for a couple of months, made business connections, exceptional friends, contacts, found my writing voice, my pleasure body and my openness to being in the moment. And then created even more income to spend the summer in Alaska.
I ended the summer with my boys and days of moonlighting as a bartender at my friends super fun Wine Bistro by joining a business support group. I launched michellelyall.com, received my certification as a Access Consciousness® Bars Facilitator and introduced several of my long time friends to The Bars, met lots of new people and left Alaska in September.
And I’m still in creation.
I am actually, internally, HAPPY! I didn’t know it was possible and I always believed I had to do or be something, seek, search, learn lessons, try, work really hard, process the SHIT out of my feelings, go into the past, dig, meditate, be good, do right and cycle back around, and did I say, work really hard?
Nothing is really different about me and everything is very different about me. I am aware of what I’d like to choose and I am choosing it knowing, that I create my reality and when it’s not working for me, I can choose again.
If you are looking for that one hint of something that might free you or remind you, I have resources, how can I contribute to you?
What could you choose today that would change everything right away?
Choose You! ~Michelle