Opening my computer this am and scrolling Facebook, I was incredibly touched and called: to my journey, the loss of friends and those who still struggle. I didn’t know this was going to turn into a blog post and then I started crafting an email message to a dear friend and the content asked to go public, so here you go. Take anything that calls to you and leave what doesn’t and in all ways, thank you for reading….
I don’t know if I shared this snippet from my life, but I wanted to now because I see so much in the desperation that reminds me of a time, many times, I too felt that deeply plagued. I can remember a good dozen times I have sat with God, the Universe and other sources of similar idea, pleading to be saved, to be set free, for an invitation home and so on. I have sat in fear and the tortures of a darkness in the depths of my being and in great strength performing ceremony, all with a similar agenda, if this is all there is, I’m outta here! Below was a powerful and awakening experience for me. I was depressed in a marriage that I felt tortured in and I just wanted everything to end, for anything that required anything of me to stop asking: finances, marriage, kids, dogs, house, my perception-EVERYTHING. I spent three months in bed only getting out long enough to shower and return. One day, I was buried under the covers, hiding, I didn’t want anyone to need me and if I disappeared no one would miss me and I somehow believed both of those things to my core. My daughter who was three at the time came in with her sweet voice, this is a snippet of that event:
A Rose Is Not Just A Rose, It’s A Gift
“Mommy, are you ever going to get up and play with me again?” I heard her little voice call to me. In that very moment, I was at the crossroads, either I get out of bed and change my life or I end it.
I lost my strength, I had submitted to a life that imprisoned me, all of my choosing and still, I felt helpless, broken and unworthy of greatness. The circumstances were my reality but the lessons were old and generational. The combining of two backgrounds in marriage, both with old religious beliefs and generations of abuse set me up perfectly to recreate the life I needed to survive.
Choosing life meant devising a plan. In that time, with survival leading the way, children to protect and my self confidence to gain, I set out with diligent, premeditated ideas and implemented them along the way. With twisted ideas of self worth and building my courage, I sought out what I knew to build myself while manipulating my situation to grant me the safety and freedom I needed.
I surrounded myself with new people, opened myself to employment opportunities, and spent a great amount of time pretending all in name of my plan. Then at the end of the year I ran into an old friend. The first friend I met in Alaska and my closest friend for many years, as we lived parallel in circumstance and trauma, she became my inspiration. Entangled through unhealthy husbands and unnecessary drama, what once thrived on sickness became the passage to healing. She began her journey to freedom and I followed close behind. I remember an afternoon lunch after months of not talking, and as I watched her speak, I thought, “what ever she is doing, I want it too”. She glowed with confidence, she was happy. I asked and she handed me a phone number, offered to go with me for support and in that moment, I knew that all I needed was to pick up the phone and call.
I’d like to say I never wanted out of this life again, that would be a lie. What is significantly different after that experience, is conscious thought in getting out. The other times, weren’t about depression, fear, lack and overwhelm, it became about, if this is it, I am outta here.
Fast forward many years and a dedication to choosing me and trusting that the Universe has my back, yes it really does, I have been able to completely change my reality and understand the gifts I have had all along in creating. Creating from a place of self hate was incredibly dynamic and now loving myself, well, I have Superpowers, capacities of greatness that I would hide in order to compromise, fit in, fix, adapt, and for a long time survive.
In 2013, my financial world came crashing down, my perfect credit score fell well below any qualification along with my income to nothing, not kidding! The jobs were slim in this small town and the interviews ended with, I’m sorry, you are too qualified. Is that really a thing? If I am over qualified for your low paying position, isn’t that a win for you? That is a whole other topic for another time. I hadn’t really built a viable clientele with my private practice and I was no longer passionate about trying. In Jan 2014, I landed a job that would allow me to maintain my living expenses and get through the school year, after that I was outta there. In May, I took an Access Consciousness® Bars class. In June the boys left to spend the year in Alaska with dad and I was weighing the idea of moving to CA with my boyfriend, funny thing happened, that relationship ended. I was left with a wide open world of unknown, really unknown as I have been a mother since before adulthood and never knew life without responsibility to others. What did I want, where did I want to go, what is possible became a very real question for me. This unknown was also very uncomfortable and I really couldn’t see where I could loose.
I worked side jobs, one catering, one cleaning and both for friends businesses, ran Bars on anyone who was open and then took the Access Consciousness® 5 day class. This opened up a whole lot of awareness on what I had been creating with my private practice and where I wanted to take that business and my life. I called my dad to say hi and the craziest thing happened, he had just returned home from the hospital. He broke his back, and my sister was there in need of a break. I was available so I headed to CA. I met a couple of Access Peeps, traded Bars, did some body processes on my sister, saw old friends and other family and somehow this all contributed to a nurturing I was in need of. When I returned to Colorado, I sold everything that wouldn’t contribute to my business, me or my body and took all the money, enough for gas and one months rent, loaded up my car and drove to Sarasota FL. I didn’t have it figured out at all, I did have an arsenal of asking questions, following the energy, choosing me and my long time dedication to DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES.
In Florida, I created several sources of income, brought my kids to Florida for a couple of months, made business connections, exceptional friends, contacts, found my writing voice, my pleasure body and my openness to being in the moment. And then created even more income to spend the summer in Alaska.
Today, right this minute, I am finishing up the summer with my boys, had my last day moonlighting at my friends super fun Wine Bistro, joined a kick ass business support group, launched michellelyall.com, received my certification as a Access Consciousness® Bars Facilitator, which means I can also teach Bars. I have introduced several of my long time friends to choice, met lots of new people and I’m outta of here on Sept 1 to visit my daughter in WA, then to Cali to visit family and friends, maybe meet some new peeps, run Bars, trade Bars and then off to Florida for a day before taking a road trip to Highlands, NC with a friend I met in Sarasota last fall.
And guess what, I’m still in creation after that.
I am actually, internally, HAPPY! I know, I didn’t know it was possible and I always believed I had to do or be something, seek, search, learn lessons, try, work really hard, process the SHIT out of my feelings, go into the past, dig, meditate, be good, do right and cycle back around, and did I say, work really hard?
Nothing is really different about me and everything is very different about me. I am aware of what I’d like to choose and I am choosing it knowing, that I can create my reality and when that choice isn’t working for me or it’s not the direction I want to go, guess what, I can choose again. Crazy huh, I somehow never really knew that before and you can read more about that on the Twisted Thoughts post.
If you are looking for that door to open, that one hint of something that might free you or remind you, I have resources, I am happy to work with you and/or even run your Bars, hehehe.
What could you choose today that would change everything right away?
Choose You! ~Michelle