A conversation with my daughter about virginity, the sacredness of bodies and sex, casual sex and what it all really means, the awareness came flooding in and I had to laugh at myself as the old pattern continues to loosen the tightly woven perfectionism that has harnessed my deepest creativity for decades.
I was sitting at the lake with some girlfriends and chatting about the new young guy I just met and my ex walked up and overheard, he looked at me and said, that’s not a boyfriend it’s a booty call.
I heard it, I didn’t like it, it registered with something that just wasn’t “right” or “okay”, I didn’t have the information to recognize it so I stored it in a place I call the in-between, a layer where I store random things that direct me to choose without consciously recognizing that this is where I am choosing from. This is also a place where I retrieve information that comes through the awareness of asking questions.
After the phone call with my daughter, I was asking questions and then, BAM, it hit with a burst of laughing to follow, mostly because what I heard was, My first husband said my second husband was a “booty call” so I married him. Seems my awareness has a sense of humor.
There are many factors that lead to my choice to marry my second husband and they each have their place in the in-between, however, this one came from the points of view I have around sex, sexuality, sharing my body and so on.
I have lived the spectrum of sexuality all while dancing with being a “good” girl and/or “bad” girl and all of the confusion my world presented.
- Sexually abused at 2
- Masturbated openly after that experience= punishment= masturbation in hiding
- Experimented= punishment
- Loved being naked to the point of hiding my clothes from my mother as young as 3 so she couldn’t redress me
- Forced to cover my body as I matured, which was really young
- Taught to save myself for marriage= religion
- Became a “tease”
- Experienced date rape= reputation
- Had a best friend who was a known lesbian= I’m a lesbian
- Got pregnant
- Dad called me a slut, grandparents disowned me and I was alone for six months
- Moved in with the first guy that liked my kid, cheated on him and left him
- Got married, lived on a roller coaster of trauma and “love”
- Found strength to leave my husband through validation of other men
- Went to therapy
- Learned all the ways I was wronged= fought to save myself,
- Learned all the ways I was wrong= fought to save myself,
- Learned recovery= ALL of the above defines me as a sexual healer and a sex addict.
- And then I married a sex addict.
- Being married to a sex addict taught me that nothing is about me, nothing is wrong with me and the above isn’t true for me.
What does sex look like after all of that?
I have dabbled in relation to men, what is real for me, what I want and don’t want, like and don’t like and then a door opened to a different possibility in relationship. What if it was never about sex, being good, being bad or compromise, what if it was never about anything more than an energy and a choosing beyond a stuck point that cycles you in and out and through the past to determine where to go in the future.
Where do you get locked up in everything you believe to be true about you? What if that is the lie?
Michelle
